I did a bad thing

1989.

I was 15 years old and looked not a day over 11. 

Japanese Emperor Hirohito dies.

Tim Burton's Batman becomes a blockbuster hit. 

The Berlin Wall comes down.

And I stole a Snake Eyes action figure from Wal-Mart. 

Back then Wal-Mart was in its original building. Where Hobby Lobby currently resides. And it was definitely frowned upon by your peers to go down the toy aisle. But it wasn't like I had street cred to protect. I was a round-faced, bespectacled, toe-headed kid that looked younger than everyone else. But I felt the strict code enforced by my classmates.  Even though you're just into your teens, you have to act like nothing is awesome, you can't show excitement, and you certainly couldn't let anyone know that you still played with toys, you might as well be caught masturbating in the school bathroom. 

I would sometimes have my younger sister accompany me down the toy aisle. We'd pretend to be looking for our imaginary cousin a birthday present. Or if she wasn't with me, I'd sometimes act like I was looking for a younger sibling that might have been lost. 

I felt ashamed for still going down the toy aisles, but I just couldn't stop myself. It was like I was going into a truck stop or a greasy convenience store of ill repute and trying to gather up the courage to purchase a skin mag. It'd be easier to steal a toy than to garner questions and odd looks by the clerk or snobby cashier. "What's this for?", Aren't you a little old for buying a toy?", "You shouldn't be buying toys, you should save up your money to take a young lady out." to which I wanted to yell, "Look at me, lady! You've probably seen better definition on a roll of uncooked biscuit dough. What makes you think I'll have girls that are interested in me. I still play with toys!" 

I was already teased and bullied enough at school for it and my Grandmother couldn't accept the idea either. While going to garage sales with her one Saturday morning, I asked her to buy me a Legions of power vehicle. But instead of silently buying it for me, she was embarrassed and had to add to it with, "My grandson wants to be an astronaut." Why?! What does that have to do with wanting a toy? 

And, what does childhood teach you? to feel guilty about wanting to stay a kid. To be ashamed of playing with toys.

I am not trying to justify my actions but people minding their own business would have helped me out loads back then. 

Geez, there I go again. Digressing.  I got more baggage than a Kardashian going on holiday. 

So, one day in 1989 my mother and my two younger sisters go to the local Walmart. As soon as we walk in, I split up with them and go to do my normal routine of circling the aisles around the toy area then finally walk through. The shelves were lined with Ghostbuster figures, Robocop toys, New Adventures of He-man, micromachines, which were huge at the time. They even influenced The Transformers toy line with the Micro Masters. 

But also, there were the G.I. Joes as well. I walked over, looking carefully at them all, The 1989 line up. A new version of Rock & Roll looked pretty outrageous with his miniguns. The tundra ranger Stalker had as many accessories as Rock & Roll! But on the peg next to Stalker was Snake Eyes. A newer version!

He looked, kind of like a cross Version 1 and Version 2, except he was embracing the ninja aspect of his aesthetics and getting further and further away from the commando look, which in all honesty, I liked better. The Ninja aesthetic was huge in 1984. I remember my parents buying me a black shirt that had red kanji on it and a hooded face, with the words, "Ninja" in English on the bottom. It even came with a mask you could wear too! So yeah, 5 years of Ninja stuff kind of got old. 

He resembled a bad guy that an aging Burt Reynolds would be determined to take down. And looking back now at his cover art with adult eyes, this version of Snake Eyes kind of looks like a paramilitary gimp suit with silver accents, the two knives on his chest, the padded leather parts on his arms and knees and the motorcycle boots. You can almost hear him breathing heavy after you work him over with a tire iron. The places my mind goes, man...

This version of Snake Eyes was designed by the legendary Mark Pennington. And in issue 95 of G.I. Joe, you find out that he took on this look after being captured by several men that were wearing different parts of this outfit. He managed to get free, take his captors down and then took some of their clothing to create his new attire. Who was called, "The Paine Brothers". 

But the 15-year-old me in 1989 was in awe of this figure.

Still, he was an impressive sight to see. With his sword, blow gun, an Uzi submachine gun, and a three-piece nunchaku which was actually a sansetsukon. Hey, shut up! I know some stuff about oriental weapons okay?!

Sansetsukon...It sounds like a town in Quebec

I had parts of Version 1 Snake eyes but not the complete figure. I missed out and deeply regretted not getting the Version 2. I remember this kid in my 6th-grade class playing with him and being so envious of him for having him. 

All of that bubbled up out of me and I grabbed him off the peg and stood there looking at him. I knew my Mom wouldn't buy him for me. And I had no cash, and I also knew that some kid would quickly snag him up if I didn't do something right then. So, I walked around with the figure, holding it next to my stomach, running my thumbnail between the card and the plastic packaging. I kept looking for a spot where there weren’t any cameras and found a corner in the paint section that allowed me to pry the bottom open enough for the figure and its accessories to drop out. I immediately stuffed him in my coat pocket and kept walking around, feeling paranoid about what I did and seeing if any zealot of Sam Walton was looking to take me down for my actions. 

But no one seemed to care. I found my mother and told her that I was going to the foyer to play the Superman arcade game. I pretended to play and watched the exit to my right. Still, no one came. 

I started to formulate a tale on how or where I came up with this new figure since I knew my sisters would ask me about it if I got it out in the car. 

My Mother and sisters finally came out and I followed them out the exit. It was a busy Sunday; the parking lot was pretty full, and we seemed to be following the flow of the tide of commerce. It was as if everyone was leaving all at the same time, and my mother stopped the cart and was digging through her purse for her car keys. I decided then to execute my master plan. I stepped over to a nearby garbage can and dumped snake eyes out of my pocket next to it. Then I looked over and feigned surprise. 

“Oh, wow!” my prepubescent voice cracked. “Why’s this laying over here?” I said, bending over to pick up my “discovery”.

I made a big deal to show that I found it next to the garbage can, and no one cared. Neither my sisters or my mother couldn’t care less. They were almost past the crosswalk when I looked over to see if they were looking at what I was holding up to them.

I took off after them and helped put the groceries away in the trunk and then got in the back, feeling a little weird. I felt guilty about what I did, but also, I felt a little sad that my performance fell on deaf ears. That they didn’t see how hard I was selling my surprise at finding a G.I. Joe figure outside the exit of Wal-Mart.

I got him out of my pocket and looked at him again. Then said, “I guess he fell out of someone’s bag.”  My youngest sister who was eight at the time looked over for a moment but then went about talking to my other sister.

I felt a little relieved that no one was coming after me that day, and I was a little paranoid going back into that Wal-Mart again later. I figured that someone from security had memorized my chubby face and was waiting for me to step back in the store and get arrested for theft.

I felt weird about my actions that day and played with him briefly. Something about getting him out made me feel bad. I didn’t like that I didn’t control myself and could have gotten into some serious trouble. After a while though, the odd feelings went away, and the new Snake Eyes came out and joined the team for adventures around my room. But, even still today, I get a rush of memories every time I get him back out and look at him.

For a mute Ninja, he seems to have a lot to say to me, even still to this day. I guess he’ll always be disappointed in my behavior.