Personal update and such

I do apologise for not being more prompt on putting out new material on my blog as of late.
It's been a rough couple of weeks.

I was let go from my job. So that was terrible. Especially for someone who has a fear of always getting fired.

It's true. If I see an office door closed, I assume that I am the subject of discussion in there. That everyone is gathered around and talking about how terrible I am, but no one will ever tell me to my face, because I am a nice guy. Actually, I am a doormat to more specific. I am seething with anger underneath my skin. I am a 4 ton wrecking ball, waiting to be swung at a derelict building. But I never show it. I just nod my head and listen. But I digress.

The fear in me keeps me from doing well because I never think it's truly good enough. So I guess that falls into the perfectionist avenue. But I wouldn't say that I am. I just don't have any confidence in what I can do with my life and skills.

I once had a job that I loved and was good at it. Then a vindictive person got me fired from it and it broke me. I am still broken from it. 6 years of living like this. The job was great though. So many things that I took for granted back then, that I would never do now. I had a salary job with insurance and vacation and sick time. After that, I had to sell my transformer collection, my dvds, my books, my guns, some old rings, knives, my tiki collection. Just to stay afloat. I had to rely on my parents and friends to help me as well. It was a truly stressful time.

I worked part time at a hardware store for two years and it messed up my back. Also after loosing my insurance, caused me to quit taking my anxiety meds which made me pack on weight. So I had to learn to live without the meds and also the weight loss gave me type 2 diabetes.

It's a daily struggle living with it. A struggle that, somedays I win, and some I lose.  So yeah, life broke me down and used me up and now I just care about a full time job. I just care about my girlfriend. I care about taking care of her and making sure that she's ok and happy. I just want to be a good man for her. But it's hard being this way though. It's hard fighting with anxiety, low self esteem and no confidence. It's been putting some extra mileage on me.

That's something I have notice over the last couple of years. That stress can take a decade off your face in just a couple of years.

I am currently looking for another job right now. I have two solid leads and I truly hope one of them pans out.

The publisher that was looking at my book, has turned out to be a little naive and too green to work with, so I withdrew my submission and now I am looking for a home for it.

I am tired of being chewed up and spit out by life.

Alright, that's the end of my rant. I shall go back to posting about toys and cool stuff that some people would enjoy reading.

Hope you all are well and enjoying the cooler weather and seeing the leaves change. You don't know it, but you fall lovers are a part of a secret organization called Autumn's Children. It's sort of like The Autumn people but without all the gloom and doom and scary carnival.

If you feel more invigorated with life during this season, if you feel a warmth in your chest when the cold wind blows around you, if you smile while walking thru the fallen leaves. Then you are one of us.