Yes, I wrote this. No, I don't know what's wrong with me.

Wayside soup kitchen

252 Oxford Street,

Portland, Oregon 97201

Dear Ms. Ballard,

     I first off would like to thank you for all of your generous donations to us in the past. All of the food that you have donated to the Wayside soup kitchen has feed countless needy and we simply cannot thank you enough for your contributions.

     All though, I thought I made myself clear with your latest donations that we would no longer be taking food from you, after the first incident last year when a patron began choking on some fettuccini alfredo that you gave to us. Once the Heimlich maneuver was performed we found that he had been choking on a soiled prophylactic, ribbed I

might add! 

    We over looked this incident due to the demeanor of the patron and discovered that he was a patient that had escaped from a local mental health hospital.  Yesterday you brought us a large container filled with angel hair pasta and we accepted it kindly. During supper last night a patron began complaining about the pasta and pulled large amounts of hair from his plate and from his mouth. Another patron pulled several human fingernails with the root still attached from another plate of the food that you brought to us. Also we learned from a local grocery store that you nicknamed the “pasta princess” because of all the pasta you buy from them and you asked one of the underage stockers to participate in a “food orgy” with you.

Please stop sending us food or we will be forced to press charges against you Ms. Ballard.

  

Sincerely,

Margaret Fong

Director of affairs

Wayside Soup Kitchen